I have always struggled with what is and what if. It was consistently a challenge, still is. to be in the present. My projection, fear, anxiety, and restlessness to live my faith always calls on me before I remember the power of God's promises and His faithfulness.
As a young "Jesus People" Christian, armored with my Bible and Keith Green, I praised God in many forms from charismatic to liturgical, picked and sang country gospel in my mega church. and raised my hands in worship too many times to count. I probably got saved about a dozen times, even got dunked in a Baptist church, moved to England to study at L'Abri, a wonderful Christian study center in England. That was all part of my indoctrination to evangelical Christianity. And I don't regret that because I feel secure in my relationship with Christ. But not so secure anymore with the right wing politics and homophobia that stirs the evangelicals. And for a Gay man, it is ying and yang, oxymoron heaven, but ultimately spiritual death. .
So I don't do church anymore, but have had to find ways to ignite my spiritual fire. Even in the depths of evangelical fever, I investigated alternative energies and played around with the human potential movement. I had my time with est, and Lifespring, dazzled in psychodrama, and Scientology, and even had a guru for a spell who was going to help me find knowledge And I went through painful rolfing sessions for spiritual clarity , as well as attempting to discover my birth trauma in another process. Mr.Cannabis was my best friend.
I learned from them all, but ultimately, what I have found is the process of being still is the gift. I discovered Transcendental Meditation, in the 70's, paid the fee, took the white handkerchief and flowers to the initiation. Getting my mantra was so special, that I forgot it immediately when I walked out of the door of the TM center. When I called the center, they would not repeat my mantra on the phone, so I had to drive down to the center to get mantra whispered in my ear. Turns out my friends all had the same mantra.
But meditation has become part of my routine. Using my mantra or not, meditating on a scripture, a problem, a thought, or just being silent for 30 minutes is so calming and centering that I have thought of taking a vacation at the TM village to experience other techniques. It is that process of letting go in the meditation that presents me with a more accepting and calming spirit.
Even Trace the cat, enjoys the morning meditation, sitting serenely on my lap purring as I connect
with his alpha state. He also knows it is treat time afterwards, so maybe he is just doing his feline seduction act. The results allow me to make healthier food choices, which propels me to continue at the gym, following a regime that is working. Some recent health challenges have encouraged me to embrace this health process. In recovery, they always say that recovery is a process not an event. So be it with this old dawg. I feel often like I am just arriving.
