Testosterone....Reviving the Man...

This picture should be captioned, "Testosterone lies" but it is what is it. Testosterone does not lie.  Here is my scoop on testosterone. I never thought much about testosterone, but I always got that mine must not be that strong, because Dwayne "The Rock"Johnson" I am not. And naturally I heard the whole jive about steroid use, testosterone, human growth hormones, and watched Chris Cuomo or one of those reporters on various specials about steroids. I never did steroids. Well, that's a lie. I did buy some Winstrol, Clenbuterol, and Deca online in the 80;s, but had not been to a gym in a year, and some roid boy, instructed me over Prodigy how to do the deed. Luckily, I had enough sense to know that I was very close to the madness and stopped after bruising and a 10 pound weight gain brought me home.


 But for me, I was an average gay man "trudging the road of happy destiny" Oh God, just  bring out the Rod McKuen books so we can " "Listen to the Warm". My sex life was adequate , and will not be revealed in this family friendly blog, loved the Lord, and was lukewarm about the gym. I was a busy, professional man with lots of friends with big hearts, and grand smiles and I started to get real angry.
Not type A angry, which I know all too well, but this overriding sense of doom, dread, worry, and being totally uncomfortable in my skin. This was a gradual slide, but for about 6 or 7 years, I noticed my zest for life diminished, and the passion I once embraced was dead. I even packed up my guitar, and stopped socializing, making excuses. The only passion that kept me going was in line skating because I loved the endorphin kick in and for that hour every day I kind of felt like the old me.  And if you cut me off on the beltway, the fickle finger of fate was revealed enthusiastically. I hated the sound of the dishwasher...Crazy.

I was a very odd kid, precocious, but innocent at the same time. I worried about the Bay of Pigs," duck and tuck", injustices in the world, but kept lots of my kid angst to myself. I worried too much. I watched this series , The Medic" with Richard Boone, the first of the medical series, where the dramatic emphasis was the disease and the psychological results. This one episode had a woman who had to have a colostomy, and I remember to this day her screams. " I don't want to look like a freak, I can't have  a colostomy and wear a bag" as Richard Boone comforted her stiffly. . After 2 nights of tossing and turning, I revealed to my parents, that I was worried about having to have a colostomy. I was 7. They listened, they comforted, and suggested that The Medic may not be age appropriate, but I watched. I also recognized at 7 years old that my worry had so much to do with selfishness, and the inability to get of my own head. I kept that information filed away.

Anxiety rapes you of your delight, sours you on other"s hopes, and claims and validates your fears. So about 3 years ago, I started having panic 24 hours a day, controlled, consistent panic and fear. Not panic attacks, but a kind of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, No phobias, agoraphobia or any of that, just so uncomfortable in my own skin. In line skating was the only thing that helped, and even then I was still anxious. My psychiatrist prescribed Celexa it was the proper choice because no more horrible anxiety within 2 days, but still fatigued, lost of interest, no passion, and watching lots of Bravo TV shows all weekend. I was so grateful the SSRI worked. But I knew something and that was that  I was still in life trouble.  So, I decided that I had to go to the gym, and maybe that would wake me up.

Right about this time, my PCP doctor Dr, Mark Lamos, the best, suggested that perhaps I was not crazy, but had low testosterone. I had the blood work and my level was 167 or something ridiculous. He prescribed Androgel, a name that is becoming familiar on TV, but that gel did nothing but raise my T level to 400, still not very high. I may have even felt a bit more even, but " My give a damn was still busted"  We tried gel alternatives,  Then I discovered Twitter and started  looking for working out tips, and low T advice. A body builder named Kevin Levrone contacted me to suggest that I may be interested in Testosterone pellets, which are bioidenticals (* Testopel)_planted in your butt.  I was desperate because I wanted to feel positive , have wild sex, and create passion again. Kevin, who I don't know well, is a man of great integrity, and I somehow trusted him from our first phone conversation. I took his advice and have been a patient at www.lifeforcemd.com for a year now.

Today, my Testosterone level is 1200, and I feel like me again. . I got my guitar out, have actually played for some folks ( country music) have become a gym fanatic, dating and got my sex mojo back,, and hanging out with the many woman I love, but don't have sex with. What can I say. And I just feel comfortable in my own skin. I wake up and feel like there is an adventure or that i have the potential to create a daring adventure.  Men, get your t level checked. At 65, I do feel about 40 years old..  Life is good. I will be retiring in a year or two and I want to be in a spiritually, emotionally and physically ready to take that step to the last frontier.

Accountability Avenue

I am a guy who mostly fit in-never abused or bullied. You know, the guy in your class who was a little bit odd, but smart enough that you left him alone.Some of you maybe were that guy. And I was the President of the Class. The girls really liked me, and the men who lived on the edge always sensed that I lived on the edge but,  I didn't know it. "They liked me, they really liked me"

Sorry for the Sally Field moment. But the Oscars are Sunday. I had Academy Award parties for years in the 70's and 80's- Quaaludes and Tequila. wonderful pastry,  and a personal day from work the next day...a tradition. Now, it is Melba toast, salsa and hummus,a good novel, and I get the Oscar News from NPR  Morning Edition. I sometimes think I am becoming my father.

  I was the guy who snuck off to foreign films at the 5 West Theatre, where they served coffee in tasteful tea cups, and popcorn was not an option. I was the guy who went to the Debutante's Ball and smoked pot in my car listening to Phil Ocks protests. . I was that guy who your mother thought was OK, but who was sneaking you out  to Gay bars with underage cards, I was really a big part of your problem.LOL. No, you had your stuff. But I loved you in spite of it.

  I was not that innocent; although, the world thought I was OK, preppy little Student Council President, with a secret life.  And for the most part I was amused, but mostly conveniently isolated. It worked for many years.  Now I am a senior citizen. I don"t really like old people. I find them annoying, silly, embarrassing.  I don't think I am old. I am not wearing Bermuda Shorts up around my tits, or feeling this need to move to Florida, or spending mega bucks on Viagra. I never played golf in my life. Old entitled old people  annoy the Hell out of me. I may have to kill myself before I have to wear Depends. Maybe,  I should just go buy a package, run around my apartment with them on, perhaps have an exposure therapy moment with a Depends party,  and just be done with it. .

But feeling stifled in self  has taken it's vengeance. Not feeling good at the beach, accepting mirrors of self defeat,, living in "what if "instead of "what is" is self defeating ,So today,  I tackle this body improvement challenge with openness and realism. This challenge is not only a Bucket List but a need. I am not looking to be a body builder, although I admire the body builders I have met and their focus is so damn contagious, I would like to savor every nectar from their body building mind that  would zap me with their intent and focus in a healthy productive altruistic  way. Now that just sounded like a Rod Mckuen song. I hate to embarrass myself. Where are the fucking Anita Kerr singers?

Twitter is great...lots of knowledge and experience. I eat that up. I am eating clean, have a workout/aerobic routine, and spiritually....need some help there, Pretty angry with evangelical Christianity, a big part of my past.  Long story, another entry.

But my whole intent of this entry is about my self defeating behavior. I have made an agreement with myself and my cat, Trace, that for the next year, I would make my intention to be the best that I can be physically, emotionally and spiritually. Oh, yea, I did include God, who I am really not that sure about anymore in this contract....fake it until you make it.

So what I have done, is made a list of all the self defeating, arrogant, entitled, justified, minimized, victimized reasons not to go to the gym. So every day,  one of these damn reasons services. This list is attached to my fridge, and when one of those reasons comes up, I thank it, check it off on the list and go to the damn gym. Thank you est and Werner Erhard for that one. . So here is my list. It feels fantastic to be accountable

Reasons Not To Go The Gym

1. I am too old to be working this hard
2. It doesn't matter anyhow, you gotta go somehow
3. I need a nap, then I will go to the gym
4. You're becoming a Narcissist
5. I don't feel like it,maybe I am sick I deserve to just chill.
6 I am just too anxious to go to the gym, I couldn't focus.
7 I need a day off because I am older and need to be careful
8 I will get up tomorrow morning, tonight I will relax
9 I just don't have enough time in the day. If I go now,it will be too late to eat dinner
10. This is just another uncompleted challenge. Forget about it
11 I don't notice that much change in my body -I have poor genetics,so all this work is pointless
12 I am in a bad mood. I'll eat something and go when my mood is better
13 People are gonna think you are bizarre-serious weight lifting at my age.
13 Fuck weight training today, I want to eat an entire pizza
14 The gym closes in 45 minutes and that is rushing it
15 The gym is extremely crowded now, I'll
go later in the day

So far, so good.

Diet Madness...

Today, I eat clean...relatively clean. I eat no white products...sugar, white flour, white potatoes, rice and combine protein and complex carbohydrates and vegetables. I do take a cheat day, not a cheat week, but one day where I eat what I want. Problem is now that I am eating clean,I choose not to  break the chain of success by stuffing a Big Mac in my mouth, or devouring a bag of Cheetos because it' s cheat day. I confess, I am a sushi addict, so often for lunch I have a California roll, with white rice, not totally clean, but on the road to nirvana..yea right.

But I am far from perfect about my food. Folks at work are always bringing in tasty junk food, and since I have my focus mojo on I have not surrendered to the gooey pastries and the fresh pumpkin bread. I don't like taking steps backward, and a garlic bagel would start the obsession of self defeat, and I would be ordering Domino's and Indian Curry at gym time, guarding my right to eat whatever the fuck I wanted. And I would  munch out for a bit until it was uncomfortable to work because the pounds of self defeat had attached themselves to my ass.

I do well with rituals, and creating a daily eating ritual is working well. I know that I have to eat to build some muscle, and follow the eating clean plan, and I will be fine. Cooking is more of a challenge because every damn thing I cook tastes the same....overripe with curry or hot sauce, and so onion heavy. I need to get some information from my Twitter followers or folks I follow, because there is so much good clean eating information out there that I will  absorb.

I am eating clean because I finally figured out such a complex issue. I can go to the gym all I want, in line skate for an hour every sunny summer day, go elliptical manic, but if I am eating shit, my body will respond to it, and I will see no gains. My connection to diet, lifting and gains is fresh, but I truly am excited to see what goals I can achieve at this ripe young age of 65.

Oh, yea, I must interject here a snippet of my diet past, which literally never embraced food/workout connection, so I just tried every fad diet that came down the pike. Jenny Craig- did it, Weight Watchers- tried it, Nutrisystems, that one also. With Nutrisystems, came two gigantic UPS packages.
Now, I live in a one bedroom suburban  apt complex that is cheap and has the maintenance team from Hell. There was so much food in these boxes, that I had no room in my kitchen for my dishes which were all over  the apartment. Thank God "Hoarders" was not around because  I would have been recruited.  I stopped that one and put my dishes back, I still cannot find my can opener from those two months of terror.

Then, there was the diet where I ate brussels sprouts and American Cheese every morning. I do not like cheese except on pizza and Lasagna, and I will not eat a cheeseburger. My father always thought that I was a kook for despising Cheddar Cheese, but Cheetos was my comfort food. He joked with me about this "cheese thing"  a few days before he died. I actually enjoyed the repartee, because he had a great sense of humor and his belief that I was weird cemented our relationship is an odd, loving way.The first morning I ate the brussels sprouts and American cheese, I projectile vomited over my old cat, Christopher. Stopped that one . Christopher was not amused.

And the Phoenix Fiber Cookie Diet. I was so sold of this one, I never told anyone. With this one I ate these fiber oatmeal cookies, 6 times a day, nothing else. Guaranteed to lose weight ,no money back.  So I purchased these miracle cookies at the Health Food Store from the pale zombie like worker. Notice how people in health food stores look so unhealthy?  And I lost lots of weight- 40 pounds. I  looked like a suffering,starving  Third World country person--sunken chest, rips showing, gray color, One of my coworkers was so concerned she asked me when I was diagnosed with HIV. That got my attention, no HIV, but obviously, there was some body dysmorphia going on.  I ate a monster  burger and fries that day and enjoyed every minute.
The Phoenix Cookie was a scam and the feds removed them from the market for false advertising and a fat content that off the wall.

So eventually diets have stopped because they are only temporary. Took me a long time to realize that. I like that weight lifting, the gym, the focus, the goal ,the camaraderie and the sense that I am doing something positive. I may retire soon, and this gym will become even more important to me as well as my in line skating. I do believe that the true  natural  bodybuilders connect the emotional, spiritual and physical of the sport as most great athletes do.  If I am eating clean, working out, doing aerobics, resting, praying, meditating and staying positive, this renewed interest in health will continue to manifest remarkable  rewards.

Personal Trainers...

This whole business of personal training I will never understand for me. I was not a good client, excuses, aloofness, self consciousness, just a marvelous kind of guy to train. The disdain of  having to be  physical after working a 12 hour day soured my expression like I was smelling rancid microwave popcorn.

 I should not talk about popcorn. It is a slippery place for me, even though I eat it air popped with Old Bay Seasoning, still slippery, like an alcoholic sitting alone at a bar in a local watering hole,  having a tuna fish sandwich and a Dr Pepper .

 But  back to personal training, I did not succeed at investing in a personal trainer, because I was unwilling to invest in myself. I was feeling guilty for  not working out, and choosing health.
I paid the money to be there, but  I was not really invested. I don't blame those guys

I think the trainers could see it....just another guy who purchased the ticket but won't even get on the plane. "So we will do the minimal with this guy".I just was unmotivated, and depressed - really depressed, anti depressant depressed and so freaking anxious. And I had no clue, and I was a therapist, licensed, certified, genuine, helper but I couldn't see my own stuff. And in late 2010 I did.
___   ___   ___

But I went to many gyms, and often they offered the services of a personal trainer, who was usually a cute little guy in a blue shirt, carrying a clipboard.  Usually these guys were very wholesome, "Mormonesque" types with  big smiles, 8 dollar an hour hearts. The point is they were not trainers, maybe, they would become trainers. They were novices, I was polite and distant and usually did the routine on my own, until my card filled up. Then I joined another gym.

I had one gal, about 87 pounds, spoke in a little girl voice. I was always been highly concerned with that Kristen Chenowith voice...Something not right in Kansas. And she was anorexic. I wondered as I sat at the Lat Pull Down at yet another  gym, " Why would a gym have an anorexic personal trainer"  She did not return on my second visit. I just hope she went to a reputable eating disorder clinic.

Oh, another guy, texted and bit his pudgy fingernails the whole time he was with me. He was an unpleasant melody of self doubt and apathy . One day, as I was moaning doing his version of squats, he asked me for a pencil. My ass was half way to the floor. "And I thought, I am paying you and you asked me for a pencil: Being the nice evangelical Christian I was, I stopped, ass almost to linoleum, and got a pencil out of my gym bag so he could record my sets.  I never went back to him,


And then I met a personal trainer. I put an ad in City Paper, for a trainer, and a guy answered my ad,
It was a guy named Tim Wittman, We met at the Mount Washington Tavern in Baltimore, and chatted about my goals and what he expected, and how we would worked. We clicked. I finally felt like I was heard. I told him my body dysmorphic concerns, my apathetic couch potato habits, and my concerns that my wants had not become needs in terms of being fit. I realized that he was a respected indoor Soccer Player from the Blasts and he was doing this for extra cash.

This guy showed me focus, thinking positive, staying present, and setting visualization goals. It was not what he said, it was his actions and my connection with him. We worked together a few months,  His total commitment to fitness, and his enthusiasm was so charismatic, that I stayed focused for a 4 months.

I also worked with the Body for Life Program in the 90's- sent my before and after pictures in. I improved a lot ot  because I felt I had a goal, and a community to work with. I looked better, but stopped because of my own ability to set real priorities for myself, and my unwillingness to believe that I count. Now, I sound like a public service announcement.. The truth is I am a lazy fuck.

I am on Twitter, and I am following many committed body builders, and other health practitioners, and I am seeing transformation internally, and much more willingness to do whatever I have to do. I probably will not use personal trainers. I am a loner, a Virgo, a strange dude, love being by myself, so for me a trainer may be a distraction. I am open though.  I do know where to find the best.
,


.

Gym Intimidation

I guess I better chat about gym intimidation. Kind of embarrassed about the whole process, but I am writing a blog, so why not put it out there.

I was never intimidated about much. I take that back. I was intimidated by math tests, especially the ones that had word problems. I would get so flustered in elementary and junior high that often a blank piece of paper got handed in. I would go into a flurry of anxious hyperbole when I saw those questions, and hated those problems about the trains going in two different directions.  I conquered that fear by teaching children who have math problems, so they did not  have to face the intimidation and anxiety I felt. It was a blessing to help some little anxious kid work through the intimidation and have that " I got it moment" Once those kids let go of that fear, they were fine with math.

Other than that, stuff didn't intimidate me. I have bungee jumped, rafted, in line skated to exhausting speeds, ran addiction  groups in hard core prisons, played and sang my country music in different venues, gave speeches to other health care professionals...been out there.  But something about a gym, always brought that " I have no idea what I am doing feeling" out in full force. I would look at those weights, instantly become defeated, insecure, and tired. I also had the unique experience of developing a headache every time I entered a gym

So hear is a bit of my experiences. The list is endless, but I will snippet this.

Holiday Health Spa- After college, I was a young school teacher who wanted to look good and feel vital , so naturally joining a gym was on target. The health craze, generation of me, pumped body was now just becoming a little main stream at that point,so I joined the spa. Men could come on Tues, Thurs and Sat, and the gym had only free weights.

I was a young 21, just coming out and confused about my own sexuality. Naturally, there was a screaming body builder queen who insisted on calling this confused Christian boy, sweetie. I would get all flustered. None of the straight body builders seem to mind him because they just laughed at him or with him, and I just blushed.  And I also had no idea what to do with the weights, and the trainers were really membership hookers, so they were useless to me. I stayed there about a year, mostly out of guilt and a contract.

Actually over the years,  I joined Holiday 3 times, stayed awhile and drifted away, never blaming the health spa, but recognizing my gym insecurity . After my workout at Holiday Spa Rt 40 I would have a protein shake, hamburger and fries at the cafe in the courtyard,  Back then, diet did not seem to be a priority and we all know it starts in the kitchen.

Nautilus This was going to be it. Somewhere in the 70's, although my memory of the 70's is pretty dull, as most of my days were spent listening to Merle Haggard and smoking dope....Yea, I listened to the music at the time., but country music was my scene. Growing up in an upper middle class section of Baltimore, where debutante balls,lacrosse games, society gatherings and Hunt Club races were the norm for me my parents were amused by my love for hillbilly and folk music, although my mother always thought Judy Collins had a wonderful voice.
There was a song written by Bob Dylan called "The Lonesome Death Of Hattie Carroll" about the senseless death of a maid at a dinner event, Hattie Carroll, but a drunken society guy names William Zanzinger.  My parents forbid me to play that song around my grandfather because he was friends with the Zanzingers. I played it 24 hours a day, as  I did the original Broadway HAIR album. My father was not amused!

Back on track. I thought Nautilus was going to save my life. It was a circuit training of 23 exercises and you went around the track once, and  boom you became Dennis Newman, who was a big bodybuilder at the time. I knew I had a problem when they would not let go zip around the circuit
more than once. I asked them once. Is this how Dennis Newman got to be so awesome?They were probably happy I did not return.

The other thing was I was at a bar with a buddy, and one of the trainers ( salesman) at that Nautilus off Joppa Road called my buddy a faggot. I approached him, told him that his attitude did not fare well for the business and managed to get the asshole fired. This was years before gay liberation or before human right people were labeled "gay agenda"

Power House  I got a 2 week free pass to this place, and it had great equipment, rock music playing,
people really pumping iron and massive "steroided "masterpieces. I went for one session and knew that I would not be returning.
Looking at myself standing next to these giants was humorous, but deflating. It did not take much to not return there. Those guys scared the shit out of me, but they did look good. :)

Gold's Gym  Some years ago in Timonium, there was a Gold's gym, and loved the place. For some reason by now, a mere 30 year after Holiday House I was less intimidated by the gym, I actually did do Bill Phillips= Body for Life, and thought it was an excellent program. I actually felt like I could parade around the beach, but I stopped Body for Life in January and by June, I thought I was beginning to look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Bill Phillips and some others really got me motivated to get fit, but this gym became a germ infested Hell Hole, I stayed as long as I could, fearing I would walk out of there with MERSA or staph infection  That gym closed and many of us traveled to other local gyms.

Merritt  I was going to a Planet Fitness but it was bit too far, and then a Merritt opened just down the street from my house. It has saved my life, friendly staff, open 24 hours, good gym equipment, body builders who smile, people serious about working out and not socializing. I feel home. Thank you Merritt at Cranbrook, After 30 years of being gym intimidation I don't feel so nerdy, and I feel like I will have the body I want if I choose to do the work, and not fall into a victim mentality, which I am sad to say has been a part of this process.

Merritt, and my bodybuilder friends on Twitter, have given me permission to not try, just do it, and my journey of trying is over. I am going to do this thing,  By this June, I will  not be at my best, but I will be OK to show my stuff at Rehobeth" and be proud of who I am" , because I will not brand myself with  lazy, weak or intimidated. 

Next entry, personal trainers.....

Prelude

2-01-13

So why is a relatively accepting 65 year old bachelor, doing a blog about his journey to emotional health, self awareness and external proudness. Well first of all, that is not what this old dawg is trying to do. The older I get the less I know about anything. In fact, sometimes I don't think I know anything and wonder where I was most of my life.  No, I have not passed the invisible line of dementia, nor am I on self unsatisfying journey to nest during my golden years in self delusion, nor do I wish to become famous as a blogger.  But I am here to get the job done..".get ur done" as some redneck comic would say.

What is the job. For me, it is about completing an assignment that I created for myself a long time ago. It is about connecting with my body.  No, that is not quite right, I don't want to sound like one of those inner child gurus from the 90's before Yanni was standard fare in elevator sounds.

 I have never had the connection of body, mind and soul. No, that is not quite right either. Now, I sound like an late night Infomercial . I am addicted to Infomercials. They have comforted me on anxiety ridden nights, before the blessings of a good antidepressant were granted.

OK, I always felt out of shape, I  hated it. I remember getting the memo of self doubt . It was in the 10 year old department. My mother took me to go Stewart's Department Store to buy school pants. I hated shopping. I wanted to be riding my bike, playing my 45's or eating tons of Cheetos's and other "carbs" we'd like to forget.  I was a pretty normal kid, a little too innocent back then when Ward and June were in our screens. But a nice kid, the kind all the mother's liked , much better than the girls .  So, the sales manager looks at me and directs my mother to the Chubby Department. Yes indeed, it was called the Chubby Department, the place that hid the clothes of the unfit. I was not OK. I refused . We went to another store and got regular pants. God, I loved being regular again and not unfit.

I was getting the message in high school, that I needed to be in shape. I swam all my life and could not make it to the swim team. It was devastating. I was an unfit swimmer. After that, my love of swimming soured, as well as the nastiest damn case of "swimmers ear" an annoying infection that still strikes, although less powerfully. Oh yea, and running around the track at high school became cumbersome, and exercise growled at me.

 I stayed away until after college.

And now, after years of struggle, hope, personal trainers, est, disappointment, laziness, TM, roids, justification,evangelical Christianity,Phoenix Cookies,  rolfing, failure, winning, gay, drugs, diets,sex and 8 different health club memberships, I am determined to get fit. Don't really want to understand why, just want to get fit. This blog is number 1 on my Bucket List.-Yea I know we are all sick of the Bucket List thing. The other thing on my Bucket List is to hold a baby Leopard. More of a chance of me getting fit. 

So let the games begin