Accountability Avenue

I am a guy who mostly fit in-never abused or bullied. You know, the guy in your class who was a little bit odd, but smart enough that you left him alone.Some of you maybe were that guy. And I was the President of the Class. The girls really liked me, and the men who lived on the edge always sensed that I lived on the edge but,  I didn't know it. "They liked me, they really liked me"

Sorry for the Sally Field moment. But the Oscars are Sunday. I had Academy Award parties for years in the 70's and 80's- Quaaludes and Tequila. wonderful pastry,  and a personal day from work the next day...a tradition. Now, it is Melba toast, salsa and hummus,a good novel, and I get the Oscar News from NPR  Morning Edition. I sometimes think I am becoming my father.

  I was the guy who snuck off to foreign films at the 5 West Theatre, where they served coffee in tasteful tea cups, and popcorn was not an option. I was the guy who went to the Debutante's Ball and smoked pot in my car listening to Phil Ocks protests. . I was that guy who your mother thought was OK, but who was sneaking you out  to Gay bars with underage cards, I was really a big part of your problem.LOL. No, you had your stuff. But I loved you in spite of it.

  I was not that innocent; although, the world thought I was OK, preppy little Student Council President, with a secret life.  And for the most part I was amused, but mostly conveniently isolated. It worked for many years.  Now I am a senior citizen. I don"t really like old people. I find them annoying, silly, embarrassing.  I don't think I am old. I am not wearing Bermuda Shorts up around my tits, or feeling this need to move to Florida, or spending mega bucks on Viagra. I never played golf in my life. Old entitled old people  annoy the Hell out of me. I may have to kill myself before I have to wear Depends. Maybe,  I should just go buy a package, run around my apartment with them on, perhaps have an exposure therapy moment with a Depends party,  and just be done with it. .

But feeling stifled in self  has taken it's vengeance. Not feeling good at the beach, accepting mirrors of self defeat,, living in "what if "instead of "what is" is self defeating ,So today,  I tackle this body improvement challenge with openness and realism. This challenge is not only a Bucket List but a need. I am not looking to be a body builder, although I admire the body builders I have met and their focus is so damn contagious, I would like to savor every nectar from their body building mind that  would zap me with their intent and focus in a healthy productive altruistic  way. Now that just sounded like a Rod Mckuen song. I hate to embarrass myself. Where are the fucking Anita Kerr singers?

Twitter is great...lots of knowledge and experience. I eat that up. I am eating clean, have a workout/aerobic routine, and spiritually....need some help there, Pretty angry with evangelical Christianity, a big part of my past.  Long story, another entry.

But my whole intent of this entry is about my self defeating behavior. I have made an agreement with myself and my cat, Trace, that for the next year, I would make my intention to be the best that I can be physically, emotionally and spiritually. Oh, yea, I did include God, who I am really not that sure about anymore in this contract....fake it until you make it.

So what I have done, is made a list of all the self defeating, arrogant, entitled, justified, minimized, victimized reasons not to go to the gym. So every day,  one of these damn reasons services. This list is attached to my fridge, and when one of those reasons comes up, I thank it, check it off on the list and go to the damn gym. Thank you est and Werner Erhard for that one. . So here is my list. It feels fantastic to be accountable

Reasons Not To Go The Gym

1. I am too old to be working this hard
2. It doesn't matter anyhow, you gotta go somehow
3. I need a nap, then I will go to the gym
4. You're becoming a Narcissist
5. I don't feel like it,maybe I am sick I deserve to just chill.
6 I am just too anxious to go to the gym, I couldn't focus.
7 I need a day off because I am older and need to be careful
8 I will get up tomorrow morning, tonight I will relax
9 I just don't have enough time in the day. If I go now,it will be too late to eat dinner
10. This is just another uncompleted challenge. Forget about it
11 I don't notice that much change in my body -I have poor genetics,so all this work is pointless
12 I am in a bad mood. I'll eat something and go when my mood is better
13 People are gonna think you are bizarre-serious weight lifting at my age.
13 Fuck weight training today, I want to eat an entire pizza
14 The gym closes in 45 minutes and that is rushing it
15 The gym is extremely crowded now, I'll
go later in the day

So far, so good.